The things we have to let go of...

I was talking to a friend the other day about this fabulous stove I had found at an estate sale.  The brand is an elite french label Lacanche and although the stove was maybe more than half off of it's normal price of $7500 at $2300 it was still way above my budget. But it was so beautiful and surely would just make my kitchen completely pop.  I almost justified the purchase and for days, I actually mourned it's loss although it was never quite mine AND it is a fucking stove.

Letting go has never come naturally for me I have had to work at it.  I have always had the hardest times saying goodbye to loved ones and my first love relationship that ended took me years to recover from simply because I would not let go. If I let go I would have to let the emptiness and uncertainty  in and I would go to great lengths to avoid doing that. Even so far as to stay in an abusive relationship. 

 I recall the exact class in college where I learned about Buddhism and impermanence and how that forced my mind to stretch to such uncomfortable places and how I knew deep in my bones it was the truth of life. And as the Buddhists say not accepting this truth ultimately is the cause of all suffering. I saw then and there that is hard being human AND it is ok.  I started inviting friends to join me in letting go rituals and sought to find shelter even in the unknown as simply being was much easier than running from shadows.

This year I have had to let go of things much bigger than a fancy french stove. I have had to let go of my marriage, my identity, my made up future, my pride, my "whole" family, my home, my security blanket. I have had to strip down naked and kneel and wail and grieve all that I thought was mine.  This has easily been one of the hardest years of my life and yet I still stand.. I still am growing.. I still laugh and love and let go over and over again because that is all I have. I rise up and reach out empty handed so that I might touch something bigger than myself.