This past weekend my 5 year old daughter spent two nights with my parents. When she came home I realized I am considerably more comfortable in myself when I don't have the responsibilities that come with being a mom. I believe this has been said countless times before and yet it still feels controversial and like a big no no to express. So many people take such offense to this notion. I mean not to threaten the sanctity of reproduction or pop the bliss bubble of parenting however there are two of me and one is a lot more easy going and fun to be around than the other. That is my truth. My truth. My truth.
This weekend I felt I had gobs of time. Enough time to pee without rushing. Way enough time to make coffee without multi tasking between that and answering a barrage of questions. That is something that is truly a challenge for me and maybe me in particular. My brain rejects a situation in disgust when it is being asked to do more than one thing at a time. It just quits on the job and I combust. I had time and it was a luxury. I took a 2 hour bath. I read a book in the bath put honey a oatmeal on my face in the bath. I drank the coffee I had the time to make without my brain combusting in the bath. I giggled to myself in the bath as it was so nice just to be. Just to be. Just to be.
I went out with friends to nice restaurants and had meaningful deep conversations with my husband about things other than what the schedule is and who is dropping off Bell to what swimming, piano, theater lesson, birthday party, play date, school, thing. We even watched a movie. We biked to brunch where we watched other people's kids act cute. I cursed whenever it pleased me or whenever it made perfect sense. I let my mind wander into deep crevices and find its own way out on its own time. Its own time. Its own time.
I sometimes wonder what were we thinking when we decided to have a kid. To be honest we weren't thinking as it was not "planned" however it was bound to happen. Being married to an incredibly loving supportive sensitive man who was going to make the best father to the luckiest kid and I was not going to get in the way of that. Our love was going to be Amplified. Amplified. Amplified.
Also biologically something happened to me when I turned thirty. I felt I needed to get pregnant like other people feel they need to sing along with the theme song to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. It was an urge I could not ignore. I was the youngest in my family and never really babysat other kids so I was kinda in the dark on pretty much everything. I thought breastfeeding was as simple as showing a kid your boob and never really thought about the fact that you had to be with your kid like all the time. I truly was not thinking with my head when this happened. I acted from My heart. My heart. My heart.
When people ask, as they do all the time, when are you planning to have another? I think of two things. Either they have more than one kid and just want us to be in that same boat where it is even harder to paddle upstream or maybe they have no kids and have no idea what that actually means. It means you are toast for some countless years. Kids suck you dry. They truly do. I am not going to counterbalance that with all the amazing things they also add as I am going to assume that side of the story has gotten enough airtime and that it is relatively obvious that this sacrifice would not be made for anything short of soul enhancing. It enhances your soul so that there is even more for the little pests to suck out. I am going to take a stand and say my stomach is tight with ubiquitous stress and most of the time I feel like I can't catch my breath and I am a much bigger bitch on the inside and less fulfilled in a multitude of ways when I am in mom mode. And my breast now sags. Yes singular. Yes singular. Yes. Singular?!
Also loving someone so much and having fear creep in and threaten things such as, there are a multitude of ways I could mess her up. Or much worse yet a natural disaster ripping through our city and being separated from her. I mean there is now this person that I care so down to the bone about, that I now not only have to worry about me being happy but my happiness is now directly dependent on hers. There are no guarantees here. There are no guarantees here. There are no guarantees here.
There is just a ragged pace that keeps going and on days like these it feels as if I am losing terribly at this race. And I am not even a race person. I would never normally sign up for a race because realistically I move at a snails pace naturally and don't care for competitive physical activity. I am a sloth. So there you have it. It goes against my very nature being a mom. Keeping up with the day to days. The endless to dos and evites to half heatedly reply to and then have to place in iCal and then attend. The endless questions and books to read and learning and attention and mindless games. The chores taking until 10pm to finish. It goes against my true nature in a lot of ways yet here I am being stretched and challenged and some days spit out. It is ok. It is ok. It is ok.
Activating my kind narrative and processing the ups and downs so that I do not walk away from this with PTSD is my goal. Not getting swept up in the undercurrent of insanity in each week but rather focusing moment to moment is a gift if I can get there. Lowering my expectations on what I can realistically accomplish and what is acceptable to pass as clean is huge. That all can work in my favor as I am a lover of simplicity. I would get divorced if I did not love my husband so much as having my kid half time sounds like the best of both worlds. Being myself half of the time and being myself with her the other half honestly sounds so dreamy. Sounds so dreamy. Sounds so dreamy.
Bell if you are reading this one day when you can read because we have read Green Eggs and Ham together like 6,452 times It is ok. I totally love you. More than you can imagine. And I also love me. And that is ok And ultimately that is exactly what I want for you. For you. For you..